


Proper Gentlemen

by palhomo



Series: Actually Probably Possibly Love [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: First Date, Fluff, Humanstuck, M/M, Romantic Comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-08
Updated: 2012-08-08
Packaged: 2017-11-11 18:01:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/481308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/palhomo/pseuds/palhomo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John and Karkat are suprisingly shy for a couple of sex-scene stand-ins. </p>
<p>(The first in a series of Johnkat shorts based on "Love Actually"!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Proper Gentlemen

**Author's Note:**

> So, this was inspired by my tumblr cloud reading "actually probably johnkat love"? I decided to do a bunch of short fics based on the stories in that movie. This seemed like a fun place to start!

If there was one thing John undeniably wasn’t, it was a porn star.

Sure, he was currently on an ostentatious set, humping some dude against a pillar, on camera, but they were completely clothed and, well, not actually banging.

Being a body double was a totally different line of work to being a porn star! It wasn’t as if John actually had to have sex with anyone, you know? He just had to like, kind of pretend for when actors were too prudish for the job.

And man, he’d filled in for some big name actors! He’d always sort of hoped he’d get to fill in for a Matthew McConaughey sex scene someday, but John’s favourite actor was totally comfortable being filmed naked so the opportunity had never arisen. Bummer.

In the past, though, it had always been girls he worked with. Simulating gay sex scenes sure wasn’t something he was used to! But it was a job, and it wasn’t that huge a deal. John was secure enough in his sexuality to know that acting gay characters did not actually make a person gay.

…But he still thought he was probably better off keeping quiet about this particular job.

“Okay, that’s enough! Thanks,” called out the director, and John stood up and moved away, giving the director a quick wave before turning to the guy he’d just been mock-fucking.

Shit, what was his name? John was straining his head, but he couldn’t actually remember. It’d been something really weird-sounding, he thought. Damn. Wait, he had the perfect plan. Re-introduce himself, and hope the other guy followed cue.

“Hey! So, the guy introduced me as Jack, but I am pretty sure he just got my name wrong. I’m John. Nice to meet you?”

“Wow, like I give a shit.” He didn’t exactly smile back, but John was fairly sure that was just his default expression. That or he was having a really, _really_ bad day. “The guy actually got my name right, surprisingly enough! People tend to mess it up somehow when they see it written down, even though it’s honestly pretty fucking simple.”

“Uh, what was it again?”

“Oh my God, you actually forgot? Please tell me you don’t forget the names of people you sleep with in real life.”

“I promise I don’t.”

“It’s Karkat. Karkat Vantas.”

“That has to be the stupidest name I’ve ever heard.”

“Fuck you.”

John looked at him for a moment , the shorter dude looking right back, before they both burst into laughter.

He wasn’t so bad, this Karkat guy. Kinda grumpy looking, but in an endearing way. And pretty funny!

Working with him was probably going to be pretty fun.

-xxx-

“So, what did you think of Paperboy?”

“It featured John Cusack, of course it was fucking fantastic.”

“Oh man. I was watching more for McConaughey than him. You like John Cusack?”

“His eighties romances are his best work, but yeah. He’s exceptional in general.”

“Ever watch Con Air?”

“Not his finest hour, but still enjoyable.”

“Uh, I think you mean cinematic masterpiece!”

“Hey, boys? We’re on a tight schedule here.”

John turned around and oops, there was the director’s assistant. Looked like they needed to start getting to work and quit chatting. It was so nice finding somebody as into movies as he was, though. A love of film was how John came to be in this line of work, after all!

“Also, this time you’re going to need to take the shirts off.”

“Well, at least it’s nice and warm!” John chirped, peeling off his t-shirt while his co-worker wriggled out of his usual oversized sweatshirt.

“No fucking kidding. One time I was standing in for Zac Effron-”

“Lol, Zac Effron.”

“Shut your mouth. One time I was filling in for him, and the set was just so goddamn freezing!” Karkat was bending down into position again, and John assumed the familiar one just behind him and started on the pelvic thrusting, his hands on Karkat’s hips.

“My last job was like that too! We ought to go on strike.”

 “Hell yeah.”

The director’s assistant approached them again. “Oh, Jack?”

“John.”

“We need you to, uh, kind of massage his nipples?”

“Oh man, uh. Okay! That’s okay with you, right?”

Karkat turned his head to look at him, an unimpressed look on his face. “Obviously. Like I’d have got anywhere in this line of work if something like that bothered me.”

“Geez, I’m just being polite! Hold on, let me just warm ’em up.” John breathed onto his hands and rubbed them together, ignoring the look of impatience on the assistant’s face.

“Such a gentleman.”

“I am the number one gentleman, it’s me.” John did as instructed, even if it felt kind of weird. Usually when he had to do this sort of thing there was like, a whole boob rather than just a tiny bit of skin. Much more to hold on to, kind of. It was pretty different! The cameraman came round to take some close-ups, and John did his best not to snigger. Once he retreated, he figured they could carry on their conversation.

“So. Dude. Favourite eighties flick?”

-xxx-

“I just don’t understand how somebody as tiny as you could ever have filled in for somebody as built as Nick Cage!”

It was another day on set, and this time, they actually had a bed! It beat having to stand up for hours on end while they mock-sexed. Karkat was sitting on his crotch and bouncing up and down, and John was rocking his hips along with him.

His buddy Dave had once asked him how he didn’t get a boner in situations like this. It was a weird thought. John kind of just mentally distanced himself from the situation? It wasn’t all that hard to do! Totally not real sex, after all.

“Oh, fuck off. It was in a flashback scene from when his character was younger.”

“Ooo, I’ve seen that one. Well, I’ve seen almost all his movies! Second favourite actor ever.”

“God help you. Who’s the first?”

“Matthew McConaughey, obviously!”

“Oh okay, he’s pretty decent. How to Lose a Guy was absolute fucking quality. Ten out of ten.”

“Pff-”

“Hey, Karkat?” Oh bluh, it was the assistant guy. Always giving them new directions when they had a good conversation going, the pest. “Could you lean down more?”

Karkat did as ordered and wow, John actually felt sort of embarrassed for the first time ever? Their faces were so close together! With most of the people he worked with he’d be fine, but this was sort of. Uh. Different? Usually people would avert their gaze but Karkat was looking him _right in the eyes_ and it was making him just a tad uncomfortable.

“Man, it’s so nice finally getting to partner up with somebody else so into movies!” John exclaimed in a bid to remove some of the tension. “Usually I don’t have a lot in common with the other person.”

“What, you talk to all the people you do this with.”

“Well, yeah! Don’t you?”

“Hell no.” He paused, his usual mildly-irritated face flickering to something almost cheerful for a split second. “It’s nice though, I guess. Having somebody here to actually talk to.”

John beamed. “Haha. Likewise!”

-xxx-

“Excellent. Keep that going!”

When it came to pretending to give some dude a blowjob, John was simply the best there was. It wasn’t a thing he’d had to do before (usually working with girls and all!) but hey, it wasn’t rocket science. Just kneel down with your head a few inches away from their crotch and bob your head a bit. Simple!

“Hey, Egbert?”

“Mhmm?”

“This is probably going to sound incredibly fucking forward of me, and I don’t even know if you, you know, actually even swing that way, and in fact you probably don’t wow I’m an idiot for even considering this and should probably turn back now and chalk this all up to just a terrible mistake, but. Well. It’s nearly Christmas so do you fancy going for a Christmas drink or something? Or a movie? A movie’s pretty cliché as far as these things goes and Christmas movies are pretty much always horrible but I don’t know, we’re both fond of them, so…”

“What, like a date?”

“Yes John, like a date. Hence my minor freakout.”

“Hmmm.” John was thinking of the best way to turn him down, since he was pretty certain he _didn’t_ swing that way, but before he knew what he was saying he was agreeing; “sounds like fun! Sure.”

Karkat actually smiled. It was basically the cutest thing ever.

-xxx-

By the time he’d walked Karkat home, John was definitely reconsidering the whole not-liking-dudes thing. Karkat was really attractive in a weird sort of way, with his tangled mess of dark hair and the scowl permanently etched onto his face. He was good fun too! His rants definitely had a sort of charm to them, and he was good company. But in a different sort of way to Dave and Jade and Rose and his buddies.

“Guess I’d better get inside,” Karkat was muttering, “my dad’ll be-”

“Hahaha, you live with your parents?”

“Fuck off.”

“No, it’s okay! Matthew McConaughey lived with his parents in Failure to Launch and he was totally awesome and cool.”

“Oh, you’re comparing me to your movie star crush?”

“Hey, I don’t-” John was about to deny any sort of a crush on Matthew McConaughey, but there wasn’t really much point in pulling out the no-homo card at this point so he just sort of shrugged. He was expecting Karkat to just walk inside already, he sure was taking his time.

Then he realised. Karkat was totally fiddling with his keys.

Ordinarily John wouldn’t read into this! But the fact was, Karkat had told him Hitch was one of his all-time favourite movies and John had kind of seen that movie too and it was total shit but there was totally this one scene where Will Smith was teaching the other dude about this stuff and his claim was that if somebody was fiddling with their keys rather than just going straight in it was totally a sign they wanted to kiss.

 Karkat knew this. Karkat definitely knew this. Oh man. Okay, he could do this. He kind of wanted to do this.

Following the sage advice of Will Smith, John leaned forwards. _Ninety per cent of the way, then hold._ Karkat raised an eyebrow.

“Are you pulling a Hitch on me?”

“I’m pulling a Hitch on you.”

Karkat grinned and closed the distance. It was great.

John looked stupidly at him when they pulled apart. “Wow. Okay. Um.”

“Uh, yeah. Fuck, I’ll just go in now. See you soon?”

“Yeah, see you soon!”

The minute Karkat had closed the door, John pumped his fist in the air and leaped down the front steps excitedly.

They were _so_ going on a second date.


End file.
